iambeard

1. why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? 2. why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? 3. why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? 4. why "abbreviated" is such a long word? 5. why doctors call what they do "practice"? 6. why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows? 7. why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing  liquid is made with real lemons? 8. why the man who invests all your money is called a broker? 9. why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? 10. who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor? 11. why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes? 12

1. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone. 2. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason." 3. To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." 4. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I th

1. Your last name stays put. 2. The garage is all yours. 3. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 4. Chocolate is just another snack. 5. You can be president. 6. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. 7. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 8. The world is your urinal. 9. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. 10. Same work, more pay. 11. Wrinkles add character. 12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100. 13. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. 14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your